You cannot control what you cannot control. A common source of frustration that many people have is the belief that we have control over other people and over situations. We tend to feel less stressed when: 1) things are predictable, and 2) we have the perception that we can control the situation. The reality is that life comes with things big and small that are out of our hands. No matter how much I want to, I cannot control my 3-year-old daughter singing the song from Frozen repeatedly (her version: “Let it go, let it go! I know what to do!” over and over and over). She sings it loudly and proudly! I cannot control my spouse’s work schedule either, or the amount of construction on the road.
Take the Covid-19 pandemic as a big example of something that was out of our control. This microscopic coronavirus changed the way we work, our social norms, our policies, and it led to the deaths of millions of people. For most of us, the world turned upside down. As a society we did what we could do about the situation. We looked for ways to “stop the spread” and protect ourselves. We engineered vaccines. As time continued, years later, many of us have found ways to accept and cope with the impact of this coronavirus. But it’s not that easy for everyone to get back out there or to accept the changes in our lives.
Recognizing Nonacceptance
Sometimes when we find ourselves fighting, venting, and losing our hair over something, we are in a position of nonacceptance. Nonacceptance is like quicksand, the longer we stay in it and struggle with it, the more it consumes our energy and ourselves. Instead of living, we are stuck in negative patterns and stress. Nonacceptance looks like the following:
- Blaming others instead of taking responsibility for something you did.
- Staying stuck in fear and anxiety.
- Having a victim mentality and tempting others to feel sorry for you.
- Feeling trapped by helplessness and hopelessness.
- Nonacceptance equals Suffering. Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths touch on beliefs about pain and suffering. As humans, we all experience pain. Desire and ignorance are at the root of suffering. When we have desires for things that we are not getting in the moment, and when we ignore the reality of the world as it actually is, we encounter suffering. Dr. Jack Kornfield has an interesting article about suffering here https://jackkornfield.com/suffering-and-letting-go/.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Dr. Marsha Linehan and her colleagues discuss Radical Acceptance as a part of Reality Acceptance and a skill in the Distress Tolerance module of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Reality acceptance skills are useful when you are working on accepting life as it is in the moment. It means not fighting the reality of what is happening. It is the opposite of being the ostrich with their head stuck in the sand. Radical acceptance is complete and total openness to the facts of reality.
- Radical acceptance is not agreement or condoning what has happened.
- Radical acceptance is not the same as being passive and not changing things that are destructive.
- Acceptance is conceding the facts of a situation. It’s really important to distinguish between facts that can be backed up with evidence and “facts” which are actually our assumptions and distorted thoughts.
- Acceptance is letting go of fighting reality.
- Radical acceptance is accepting these facts all the way with your mind, heart, and body.
- Radical acceptance is opening yourself to fully experience reality as it is in the moment.
How to Practice Radical Acceptance
- Observe that you are not accepting reality, notice if there is something you are fighting.
- Remember the key phrases: “It is what it is,” and “Everything is as it is.”
- Work on understanding the cause(s) of that reality. What circumstances led to the reality of your situation? Draw a map or flow chart. This may help you identify and change the behavior that you want to change.
- Relax and let it go. Use your mindfulness skills to get back on track if letting go of tension is difficult. Take a deep breath.
- Consider the pros and cons of accepting.
Sadness and grief may surface when accepting reality and this a normal part of the process. Calmness follows when we repeatedly practice radical acceptance. The full acceptance of the moment will eventually bring peace. Patience is required.
2 responses to “Introducing Radical Acceptance”
Very timely and relevant to much that is happening in my life right now Antrice. Another great read and another opportunity to challenge myself to put radical acceptance into practice and make it a habit.
Thank you for your comment Allison, I’m glad that you read and absorbed the contents of the post! I wish I knew about this back in grad school, but that will be for another post 🙂